Faking It: One Girl’s Guide to Football Season
Football season has started and I can totally careless… I find myself now in the midst of people all excited in jerseys and team colors drinking beer and yelling at the TV. To the left of me, I have a girl killing herself in the kitchen making dips and shit for the chips and to my right my boyfriend is watching his phone as he whines about the fact that it’s Monday and none of the players on his fantasy team are playing. Which means he has now gone from being on top, to losing his match up for the week. Should I console him? Do I help her with the dip? Nope! I am going to go with option C and drink this beer instead.
I am not uncomfortable, because growing up as an only child it’s pretty easy for me to entertain myself. So I thought I should share my expertise with those of you that find yourself in this position this Football Season.
Just follow these easy steps to survive the season.
#1- By no means act like you know the game if you do not! Bitch u giving us all a bad name. Cut the shit and just watch the screen. When you scream out “Home Run” just let those be your last words as you exit the party. There are plenty of women that love the sport and are fans. If they hear you, Run because the shade will be immediate and they will dog you out way worse the men will.
#2- Know your home team. You can’t go wrong at a football gathering because anyone who hosts one when they are playing is clearly a huge fan. Again don’t go overboard. Don’t get a Jersey when you don’t know what position the person plays or how to pronounce their name ie: Polamalu (don’t judge but I only picked him because of his ahhhhmazing hair!)
#3- Keep your phone out and close if people are in a heated debate and you really feel the need to chime in or at least seem a bit in the know download the ESPN app! Get the updates and know what the obvious topics: Ray Rice footage came out that he hit his then girlfriend with the “night night” knock out punch in an elevator etc…and if all else fails I’m sure one dog lover will there to continue the I hate Mike Vick campaign! A little research can go a long way! It’s always easy to just stuff something in your mouth so nobody expects you to chime in.(this method is highly effective)
#4-Always bring what you drink. Never get to the party and be forced to drink a beer if that is not your thing! It’s good manners to ask what the host likes but if that doesn’t suit your taste, bring along what you enjoy as well. No host has ever said (or really meant) “you shouldn’t have brought so much booze”. If it’s one thing that eases the boredom you feel inside, it’s going to be your drink of choice.
#5- Don’t talk too much during the game. Wait for commercials to show your man the funny meme on your IG or the picture of your nieces first day at school. Men appreciate that. He will love you for hanging out with him and knowing when to talk. If he knows not to speak during Scandal then respect his obsession too.
I really hope these tips help you out during this football season. If you have any tips to share please comment and start a thread. Let’s stick together!